I don't know why every year I want so badly to have a great NYE, but I do. I can only count a few good ones I've had in my adult life and last night definitely wasn't one. It's not that it was BAD, but it just left me feeling crappy and reminding me how long of a way I still have to go. I wanted so badly yesterday to celebrate my accomplishments this past year - losing 22 pounds, starting running again, completing a race a month since August, and generally feeling better about life. In fact, I left the house at 9pm to meet my friends with a positive attitude.
But for one reason or another, I let a pity party creep into my head when I was out and found myself sad at home at 12:30, thinking about all the things I don't have that I desperately want. The worst is I've convinced myself that some of those things I want, like having a happy relationship, aren't possible at this weight so I don't even try for them. I have almost 90 pounds to lose to get to my goal weight, so I kind of feel like my life is on hold right now, in limbo, until I get most of that weight off.
I know that's not a healthy mentality and it's not how I really want to feel, but it's so hard to snap out of that feeling! And by the way of course this happened which fueled the fire:
Until later, happy living!
Needless to say, I promptly untagged myself. What sucks is that (when thinner) I am super photogenic and love taking pictures. As I have put on weight over the years, I have taken fewer and fewer pictures of myself. OR, really I only post certain pictures that I take because I know how to take them myself and pose to look thinner. Sometimes it definitely makes you feel left out of life. I have traveled extensively over the last 5 years and don't even have pictures of myself in some of those awesome places! That's sad...
When I woke up this morning, thankfully, some of those feelings had subsided, BUT some of them were still there and that scares me. I have dealt with depression for a long time and I know feelings like that have the power to push you forward or derail you and throw you back into your little black hole. But I know that I don't want to go backwards. I'm so glad that I have had 5 solid months of commitment under my belt to this new healthy lifestyle and that I'm not one of those people scrambling because it's January 1st. Being where I am now allows me to better brush off that crappy feeling I had last night and move forward. The one positive think I did was didn't waste any calories last night on alcohol and comfort food!
So I'm trying to move onward and upward this year, to get out of my limbo, to have a better body and a better body image, but it is still hard and it is a struggle everyday. All I can do is surround myself with positive people and keep working hard. Eventually I will get where I want to be through determination and dedication, and on the next January 1st I know I will have more to be proud about.
So if you are one of those January 1st people, have the confidence to know that you can do it. I have mine, even if it doesn't shine so brightly all the time.
I wish everyone a happy new year and a most excellent 2013!
Until later, happy living!
Jamie
I hate pictures of myself! Maybe this will change when I do not look heavy.
ReplyDeleteLike you said you are on the right track, but I do not think you should put your life on hold. Try and get out there (easier said than done)!
I'm glad you are working on appreciating your body now, and know that you don't have to wait until you get to goal to do that. Your body at goal is the same body you have now, it's not like you'll get a new one issued when you get to your goal weight. So start appreciating it now, look what it does for you! See that time on the elliptical? See that running? that's the body you have RIGHT NOW. Not some magical goal-weight body that will suddenly make everything right in your life. I'm glad you're thinking about these things and working to change irrational ideas/thoughts because I think this is part of the key to long-term success. Life doesn't start at goal, it starts along the way. And you were experiencing that and seeing that until this dip in emotions. But you may already be out of it, they come and go, right?
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